Love in Paper Cups

Oahu

Digit_Minx — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:58:23 +0000

December 19, 2011

Digit_Minx — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 12:47:53 +0000

She leaned her head on the armrest of a soft leather chair. Gazing into the fireplace and stroking the family cat. The end of the year was coming quick and she lost herself in the shifting flames like memories dancing in and out of focus.

* It was autumn in Alaska. The golden patches of light shinned though the orange leaves and swayed on the dirt roads. I reapplied my lipstick and stepped out of your car. You lean casually against the door and enjoy an imported Chinese cigarette. You smile at me through your Giorgio Armani sunglasses. I have to laugh. I know people are watching us. Wondering what our story is.

* I am dancing to electro music in a basement. There’s lasers and smoke. I’m wearing a little party dress with a glowstick band around my wrist. I can’t leave you but I can’t stay. You don’t understand, you never will. And the dream and the nightmare are forced down our own throats. You take it with a chaser. I choke on the lights, power, sex, beauty, money, youth, all out soul shredding and almost die.

* Her vision is hazy and she stares at the IV in her arm blankly. The charcoal is gritty and feels like a mouth full of sand. She’s in the ER yelling at her mom on the cell phone. She feels angry and helpless 3000 miles away from her arms. Everything fades, like a white haze. She doesn’t want to stay here. Alone here. But they won’t let her leave.

* I was painting a water color. The same picture I always draw. It’s a island beach. In the distance you see a rock arch that sprawls into the blue green ocean. I don’t want to think anymore. I look out from the top floor to the parking lot where your car is. You are working. I look back at the friendly face across the table from me. A young boy is watching me paint. His name is Dawson and he is 17. He reminds me of my brother. We’re friends. I watch him go through nicotine withdrawals, and alcohol withdraws. That night I prayed for him. Dawson washes dishes downtown.

*A couple is walking together in downtown Anchorage. They are holding hands. A boy buys a girl an arctic fox tail and two pashmina scarves. They eat salmon and halibut for dinner. They drive home in the last rain of the season.

*Its near Christmas time and she is leaving. Her plane flies to Salt Lake City in the morning. She’s in love and she hates to leave him. He gives her a blue diamond ring for her right hand. As she looks into it she realizes that everything that was so incredible and amazing and completely horrific and surreal sparkles back in that ice blue Alaskan diamond.

The memories stop and I consider my return to Fairbanks. My Birthday in Oahu. Starting school in Alaska and getting my Master’s degree. Its always an adventure, and I’m sure 2012 will be the same.

September 9, 2011

Digit_Minx — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 00:11:18 +0000

August 18, 2011

Digit_Minx — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 23:59:05 +0000

I’m long overdue for an update. Just a quick one. . . . . I suppose. It seems every time I sit down to have an up close and intimate session with my little blog here, I can’t write about the things I really want to. You know, the juicy stuff that I really have to pick and choose who I tell what. The point is, my life is always kinda bizarre. More so since I’ve moved to Alaska, but just in general it’s been a little cracked-out for awhile now. I won’t go into details, but here are just a few of the basics:

I have been reunited with a long lost pal. He has transversed a nation to shuttle me around in metallic splendor. Alaska never looked so beautiful as through the windshield of my own personal set of wheels. I basically had developed long lasting relationships with smoky old cab drivers, but we have long since said our goodbyes and I am free to roam the streets as I please. Oh and do I roam…. Roam with the volume jacked up and the bass pumping my electro house tunes. So that’s great news for me.

Second, I have found a kindred spirit. Ok, maybe not totally “kindred” but a new friend that I adore. 5 feet 4 inches of total piss and vinegar Asian male. Nothing complicated, just easy-going and super amusing. He runs a popular restaurant in town so we just chill out, eat lots of soup, and practice drifting in a super sexy sports car. It would probably make David Letterman’s top 10 for “Oddest Friendships” but it works. It’s how I roll.

Speaking of relationships. Never get involved with a surgeon. Guaranteed you’ll wake up with some vital organ in a Ziploc baggie, and a bloody scalpel in your hand. It’s a very confusing, messy state of affairs. This is all metaphorical of course… but holy crap. I’ve really done a number on myself with that dude. It seems the best medicine is lurking around in coffee shops with a book the size of a cinderblock, and getting really excited about what the next, “Soup of the Day!” will be. Kinda pathetic but we all have to get our kicks somehow.

Also, I am working in television. (Yeah, a “wtf?!” is appropriate here) …..weird.

Anyway! That’s all for now. Time to hit the gym!

July 22, 2011

Digit_Minx — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 23:49:29 +0000

I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m coming back I promise. Just be patient. I’m almost there, closer than ever. I swear. It’s getting better each day. You’ll see.

February 7,2011

Digit_Minx — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 09:00:26 +0000

The haziness of the small days are slowly dissipating. I feel as though I am waking from a dream. The frozen foggy white desert is lifting and clear blue sunshine runs through my hair. I remember the huge red sun, devouring the horizon, never lifting its massive head for a breath. Fleeting hours of a blazing fireball in a pale pastel painted world. The vision I am leaving is one of smoke, and gypsies, dirty corners for slinking around in and dim tables littered with wet napkins and iphones. I clink my tacky acrylic nails on the table and crunch on an ice cube. I sit in a locker room looking at all the abandoned bobby pins scattered on the floor. . . .
Waking is always painful for me. It’s always violent and harsh. There is never a slow sweet rise to consciousness, it’s always blood and gravel on the asphalt.
I’m sitting under the dim lamp at the kitchen table, and feeling afraid. More afraid then maybe I have ever been. There is nothing but more bridges to cross, and there is no end in sight. An eternal expanse of underpasses, overpasses, and long highways. Intoxicating, beautiful, horrifying places for young girls to be sleeping while clutching a little brown suitcase plastered with colorful stickers.
I was thinking about a photo of you I have seen. You are standing nervous and excited. A huge smile on your little face. Small black shorts, and a white button-up with a flower stitched on the front. You have your hand around your colorful backpack. The bus is almost here, and its your first day of school. I wish I could go back, and hold your hand. I wish someone could hold my hand now.
But this is only a moment, a moment of awakening, and soon I will slide into warm soft slumber again.

December 16, 2010

Digit_Minx — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 02:06:14 +0000

The last couple weeks have been rough for me. I feel like I’ve been pulling an anti-social avoid the world card. (I’m actually quite good at this.) I think maybe I need more vitiman D….. Or more sleep. I’m always so dang tired lately. Or maybe its because when I get emotionally weary… I get physically exhausted. I just don’t know entirely.
But…..Its hard being so far away from my family in Utah this month. Christmas is coming up, and facing that alone is going to be a challenge. I haven’t much cared for Christmas the last few years. Its just been complicated and scant as my family was hit hard when the economy went to crap. Seemed like I always had to work or blah blah blah. So it just hasn’t seemed to have the magical Christmas twinge that it used to. PLUS I have the ability to absolutely NEVER EVER be even slightly romantically involved with an individual over the holidays. That shouldn’t matter but it seems to make things suck slightly more, especially on New Year’s Eve.
Also my grandpa passed away this week. My grandparents have always been such a huge part of my life, especially my childhood, and its hard to accept that time is gone. My grandpa was one of the best men I knew. I’m grateful I got to make so many memories with him before he left this place.
I’ve also been frustrated in the man dept. (holy crap, thats a shocker.) The last seven years of my love life feel like the same story. Over and over. . . . . . Over. . . . Over. . . and over. You catch my drift? I’m not angry. (Although I definately spent a year in 2009 being royally pissed. Raging and devouring men in some sort of subconscious rampage of revenge.) Then I went through this dead period this year. Where I was just numb, and a functional loving relationship just seemed impossible. How much can I stress the word “impossible.” Sounds gay, but its true. It still feels impossible. I cannot comprehend how it works for people. I don’t understand how people meet, fall in love, and get married. It freakin blows my mind…… I have meet some amazing men up here in the Fairbanks area…. still…. impossible!!!
But a-nuff of this jibba-jabba!… I think I just need to accept my fate as a drifter. Being all stable and crap is overrated! So ….. At this point I plan to just keep moving…..until I decide to stop….and I’ll write about my experiences. Sounds perfect.

Alaskan Summer

Digit_Minx — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 23:35:06 +0000

October 26, 2010

Digit_Minx — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 04:52:50 +0000

The word of the day is, “Anger”

Alaska has an ice problem. But instead of a full-out war on ice its more like everyone has accepted it and embraced it into their lives. BFF style. It sickens me. I’ve been driving on ice for seriously like a week now. I walk on ice anytime I leave my house. So what is Alaska’s solution to this deadly frozen opponent? Mini rocks…. aka… gravel. Seriously?! WT EFF?In Utah we have this stuff called “salt”. It gets rid of ice, and doesn’t just make it all bumpy and shiz. Traction my ass….

So ice-road trucker Jenn travels the perilous passage to Planet Fitness, where it is customary for me to change into my gym clothes in the women’s locker room. I like maximum supportage… you know… “up there” ,so things can get a little fully disclosed if you know what I mean when I’m switchin the threads. So…. Ladies… It’s an empty locker room.. do you have to come in and change RIGHT THERE?! Like 2 feet away?! Seriously!? Do you want to see my boobs?! What?! Fine, look at my boobs! No, look at my boobs! Geez. I don’t need to get undressed in a pack. Usually. I think, no wait… NEveR. Just annoyed. Could only muster up a lame 30 minute walk on the treadmill.

So I head to the grocery store, cause a girl’s gotta eat I suppose. But I’m feeling really dejected. I can’t be the only woman who does this sometimes. You wander around, feeling hopeless… Like you have no idea what to buy for dinner, and even if you did know, it’d probably be too much work to cook it tonight anyway. So you wander around, and get more depressed as the music sets the mood for some tragic movie you now find yourself in. Finally in your yellow florescent hell you come across the “Cup-O’ Noodle Soup” section. And you stare at the selection in despair. You have at long last found your dinner. And its pathetic, like you. Did you really only walk 30 minutes on the treadmill tonight? and you load up. (but not on the shrimp lime flavor cause that’s just nasty.) and check out.

Well then if you’re in Alaska you head out to your car walking turtle speed. (as not to fall on that awful ice, heaven forbid.) Cause how bad would that be, to crack your skull open for a bag of dehydrated cheap noodles?

Gah.

October 4, 2010

Digit_Minx — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 21:25:46 +0000

I will see you in a desert with the wind strong and my hair long in the dust of the heat on dark young skin. I will see you from a distance, A blurred human form in a cloud of gray . Still, you’ll know exactly who I am. The sun won’t set and the heat will stay hot, and warm our shoulders.

I’ll get on my knees and push the soft dust forward with my fists as I arch my back. Leaving two little trails in the earth. That’s all I want to do right now.

I realize suddenly that maybe there is more love here than hatred. And maybe you feel that stronger than indifference. And maybe there is peace in that.

There is an island with white shores. The sky is purple and black in continuous night. The stars are always out because it’s the sort of place where you need to be reminded how small you are and yet how great you are simultaneously. That’s where I can find God. Sitting on that beach. He’s always there.

And what would you say to me now?

There is more love than indifference